anapride's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hate, sadness, crazy feelings.... I hate this. I had a fucking WONDERFUL day today... my best friend at school came back, we had a great day together, I was sooo happy. And then I get home. And I see the ring Amanda gave me. And I start thinking about her. And I come online and see I have a note from her. And I read her note, and her diary. And FUCK. I'm not gonna feel sorry for her. I'm not. I can't. More and More of me is starting to hate her for everything that's going on. Go to my notes and read what she's written if you wanna understand at all how I feel. UGH! "baby, i do still love you. but we're *not* right for eachother. if you would like to have another go at a relationship with me, just to prove that we're not right for eachother, then let's go." What the fuck is that?? Huh?? I mean, what the FUCK!?? I just... UGH! just, everything she's saying is making me so mad. And why aren't we right for each other? I mean, okay, whatever's going on with her... But if I love her, and she loves me, what the hell is the problem? And I know I'm being narrow-minded here and stuff, but I just DON'T UNDERSTAND! She makes it sound like... like... I dunno. It sounds like she's all making herslf the victim, and I refuse to do that. Whether it's intentional or not on her part, I refuse to feel sorry for her. She's all saying that she's not worth this, that she feels so empty.... And of course I care, but why the hell should I?? After everything that's happened... still happening... I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. I just... I wish all this would just stop. I wish I could delete Amanda from my IM buddy list, my favorites here, throw away her letters, just get everything out of my life that reminds me of her... Just pretend she doesn't exist. But I can't do that. I just can't. I don't know what to do. I have no idea how to deal with this. I have tried everything.... being "just friends" with her, not talking to her at all, trying everything possible to get over her and not think about her.... Nothing works. Some people are saying that I should try to find someone else, another girlfriend... and sometime, maybe. But I can't, not now. I still love Amanda, even though all this shit is going on, and a big part of me hates her, I still love her. And that is making all this sooo hard... if I didn't still love her, it would be so damn easy to walk away from it all. I just..... I still don't really understand any of this. Why she left me in the first place, why she says we aren't right for each other, why she did all this shit to me... A part of me still doesn't understand it. Doesn't understand why we can't just be together again. Why everything has to be so complicated and painful... and why, after all that she's done, I still love her. 6:33 p.m. - 2003-09-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Amanda, of course, once again... Yunno, I was gonna come online last night and stuff, but it didn't work out that way... I had a great time last night. I had fun with my mom, bonding and stuff. But now it's back to reality, and the thoughts and feelings that made me want to do an entry last night. Why didn't Amanda tell me? Why didn't she have the courtesy to tell me about her feelings for Val? She KNOWS that I still love her, she knows how upset I get when I have to hear stuff like that from other people instead of her... I guess......... I guess she really doesn't care bout me anymore. I'm not even important enough to give a thought to, when she KNOWS it'll hurt me to find out. I wish I could say I don't care, that if that's the way she wants to be fine, whatever.. but I can't. It hurts. Why couldn't she just tell me?! *sigh* Why can't I just get over her, move on with my life, like she's obviously gotten over me. Part of me really really hates Amanda for all this shit. For puting me through all this, for making me so weak and vulnerable and then totally breaking my heart... For making me unable to stop loving her. And it would be so much easier if I could just totally hate her. Totally. But I can't, because I DO still love her, too. Damnit. 6:37 a.m. - 2003-09-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- AHHHH!!! DAMNIT. Yunno what? DAMNIT! I promised myself I wouldn't read Amanda's diary anymore, and i haven't been. I only read her latest entry AFTER I found out about this. FUCK. I still love her. I still want her. I thought I was getting over her... I haven't been talking to her as much, I've forced myself to stop thinking about her as much, but the fact is that I still love her just as much. And I realized that, it came to me so hard, when I found out that she's falling for someone else. That her and *someone else* were about to get together, but the other person messed around with someone else. GOD DAMNIT!!! I just.... I know I'm not being fair, I KNOW it. we've been apart for awhile now, it's perfectly understandable that she likes someone else......... but I still love her. I still want her so bad. And to know that she wants someone else.... That she wants *Val*, who is my friend too.... I don't know what to say. On one hand, I want to comfort Amanda, because she's all upset that Val messed around with someone else. But on the other hand I want to scream and yell at her, ask her why she doesn't love me anymore, what did I do to make her stop loving me... I want to cry and scream and cry.... And of course if/when I do, my mom'll go crazy with worry and frusteration over it all. God I really really hate this. I HATE LOVE. I HATE EMOTIONS. 8:20 p.m. - 2003-09-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||